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Okay...things - The Deal
April 26th, 2005
08:48 pm

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Okay...things
Things have been:

Weird
Nervewracking
New
Different
Foreign

I am in a weird place. I have a feeling I haven't had in a long long long long time. Butterflies. I don't know what about but they're there.

I don't feel like myself. Kinda like I'm in one of those limbo analyze-the-past-three-years-of-your-life modes. It's weird and sad looking back.

I was talking to Steph the other day about the stripped down versions of ourselves...actually I was comparing human beings to a MMC in Windows...the management console that allows you to add snap-ins to customize how you want to administrate (?) your computer...this is probably a horrible analogy, I'm sure. But it's weird doing a reevaluation and looking back at all the facets you have carved into your personality. We all start out as clean slates and add the features we want onto our lives as we go along and find things we like (punk, fashion, ruling, etc...) Where the hell am I going with this?

It's hard to leave the past behind you. I look back at all of my snap-ins, or facets, or whatever, and it hurts me that I am no longer really surrounded by the people who influenced these pieces of my personality. But the pain is reassuring cause it tells you that YES, that is WHO YOU ARE and those things are so ingrained in you that's it's normal and expected to feel like shit when key facilitators are no longer in the picture.

This is probably all gibberish to anyone besides myself and a few good friends.

So I guess I'm seeing myself as Jess, the punk/model/reluctant computer nerd with a lot more clean slate left to pile some more shit on to and enhance my personality even more. Your slate isn't filled up when you're 21. God, that would make us all horrible parents and human beings for the rest of our lives.

I don't know what will happen from here on out but whatever it is will be good for me and enhance me and let me keep living. We can't be punks forever. But my kids will sure as hell have to listen to it on the way to baseball practice.

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